


Holding On

by everlent



Category: The Darkest Minds Series - Alexandra Bracken
Genre: Angst, Anyways, Character Study, F/F, alright girls and gays let's go, i love priya so much, me logging on to ao3 dot com to see if there are any priyanka/lana fics: no? alright bet, nothing graphic, she is a lesbian btw, spoliers? for the darkest legacy lol obviously, the darkest minds fanfics are.....scarce to say the least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:53:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everlent/pseuds/everlent
Summary: "In the end, we all just want something that will make us forget.That’s what Ruby had said, years and lifetimes ago. And for a long time that’s all Priyanka wanted, too.Memories like the ones she possessed were bound to make her go a little crazy."(a short story about when to let go and finding new places to call home)
Relationships: Priyanka/Lana
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyy.....heyyyy.......how y'all doin
> 
> i am back at it again with another sapphic fic except this time it's not space/magic lesbians! it's dystopian lesbians. the darkest minds is my favorite series of all time, and even though it's not extremely popular i wanted to post this bc why the hell not this is my account i do what i want. 
> 
> i WILL be taking the credit for being the first person to write and post a priyanka/lana fic on ao3. idk about other sites but here i am a revolutionary. 
> 
> a few things for context:  
> \- this is a priya/lana fic, but it's mostly just a priyanka character study so keep that in mind  
> \- ruby daly and vida bautista are bisexual bc i say so.  
> \- i have decided that cole is alive don't look at me let me be delusional  
> \- rated teen and up for some language  
> \- that's about it lmao
> 
> "i hope you enjoy !" i shout into the void

_In the end, we all just want something that will make us forget._

That’s what Ruby had said, years and lifetimes ago. And for a long time that’s all Priyanka wanted, too. 

Memories like the ones she possessed were bound to make her go a little crazy. 

She could start with how her mother died in a car crash and the way the blood stained her favorite dress. The feeling of the car rolling and rolling until it sort of felt like she was sitting still. She distinctly remembered a ballpoint pen grazing her cheek. Weird thing to fixate on in the moment, but she couldn’t control her thoughts. No matter how much she wished she could. 

Her mother never even got a funeral. 

Or she could start with the day the man she used to call her father gave up on her for good. Left her for dead, or, in her case, worse. But fuck him. She shouldn’t have expected anything more or less. Frigid neutrality in the face of her smoldering rage. She’d never been in a real life kind of school but she imagined that would be some sort of symbolism. Then there were the weeks and weeks of long, drawn out missions that she never completed exactly right. She wasn’t efficient or talented or focused. Well, maybe she was. But not enough. Never enough. 

(Never enough for who?)  
(She could never quite figure that one out.)

And those things were only her childhood. Imagine how fucked up she was later. 

But she stayed sane. Because she had to. Because, like most people, she only had one good reason to. She stayed sane but never quiet. With her there was always the grasping for more. She wouldn’t be stuck here forever, she couldn’t be. She only needed to be better. Get herself out of the mess her parents left her in. Cause, yeah, there was plenty of anger there. Not that she tried to dwell on it. Every now and then those old worn out emotions would resurface, flies buzzing over an open wound. Every time she was surprised. She kept thinking the wound had healed, somehow. But when the nights were endless again and her hands were red and screaming from the training deck, she could see it. It would never go away. Coming to the same realization over and over. Maybe she was insane. 

She covered it up. Covered it in callouses and blood and sweat and a few broken fingers here and there. Constant evasion was her strategy and it worked, at least, it worked on the days she could pretend. But it was always there, bubbling below the surface. 

It was something her and the Volkov family were very different on. 

The Volkov family, coincidentally, being her one good reason. 

She’d known them since the day she’d arrived in America, since the day she stepped foot in the crunched up soda can of a warehouse that was her home for nearly all her life, before she even met them. It was like the second she got there everything in her breathed out a quiet _oh, I remember this._

And the moment she laid eyes on them it all clicked. Frighteningly, warmly, fulfillingly. 

“Hi, I’m Roman,” the dark haired boy with a thick Russian accent said, extending a cold hand for an even cooler handshake. 

“This is my sister, Lana. She is very quiet, but she is just shy.”

Lana glanced up. If Roman’s hands were frosty, her eyes were pure ice. Siblings carved from the same stone. One look seared its place into Priyanka’s mind, and, though it took her a while to realize, her heart as well. 

_It’s okay,_ she thought. _I already know you._

And the years passed by in a blink. Or maybe too slowly to even keep count. It shifted in her mind every day. Like she couldn’t decide which version she liked best. 

When Priya thought of her childhood, her teenage years, Roman and Lana were all she really saw. Despite the horrors. Or in spite of them, maybe. 

She saw Roman bringing her a bottle of water after too many hours at the punching bag or the software she was supposed to be cracking. The mental training was just as excruciating, most days even more so. 

She remembered the nights the warehouse were so cold she thought she would die, wanted to most of the time. Until Roman suggested the idea of cuddling for warmth. It was awkward, at first. The three of them on their thin cotton pallets that you could feel every crack in the cement floor through. 

Priyanka hardly dared to touch. Roman didn’t need to do this, he and Lana already had each other. He was doing this for her. The heavy weight of that kind of care. She could never get used to the burden. 

That first night, all they did was lay side by side. It was the warmest she’d ever been. 

It wasn’t until they were older that the boss decided boys and girls should be separate at night. Later, after they figured some things out, Lana and Priya would giggle about it, hours after the lights went out. 

“We tricked him!” Lana said, smiling more than she ever let herself in the daytime. Another way they were different. Darkness was a sanctuary for Lana, prison for Priya. But she couldn’t mind. Not when Lana looked at her like _that._ She clutched Lana’s hand, so tightly the pale skin turned pink. 

“God, we sure did, Sunshine.”

Lana liked that nickname. Priyanka had said it once, offhandedly, and the resulting blush ensured she used it every chance possible. 

So, they all grew together. Roman, eventually, started to attempt jokes with her. They didn’t really make sense. They didn’t really need to.

“You have been in here so long I think you’re turning into the wires!” he would say one day, catching her in the main room slaving over code for some mission or other.

“Okay, so, that one made sense, sort of, it just wasn’t funny,” Priya would offer helpfully. 

Roman would scowl and turn away, clearly trying to come up with something better. After he inevitably couldn’t he would throw up his hands with an “ugh!” and stalk away.

“Work on the delivery, pal!” Priya would call down the hall with a smile on her lips. 

She would continue her work, munching on the slightly rotted apple he had left her. 

This was the picture she painted of her life, if anyone ever asked. The funny story of Roman, the happy moments with Lana. The games they played that Roman would always lose. What he couldn’t seem to figure out was that Lana and Priya always cheated. She felt bad for him when they won, sometimes. He was so clueless. 

Until the day he announced that if he shirked the rules like them then he would win every time. Priyanka and Lana glanced at each other, the shock painfully obvious on both their faces.

“You knew?” she yelled, arms flailing. 

“That you are cheaters? Of course I knew. It was funny to see you both pretend to keep it secret, though,” Roman delivered cooly over his honestly pathetic hand of cards. 

Priyanka got the sudden notion that they were talking about something more than games. It was a theory, if she was confident enough to test it. She put her dark brown hand over Lana’s white as a ghost one, threading their fingers shyly. Lana glanced between Roman and Priya rapidly, seemingly deciding if the risk was worth it. Priyanka hoped she was worth it. 

Lana squeezed her hand, giving the smallest smile. Roman looked at them for a moment and then nodded affirmingly once, twice. 

“Well then, let’s get back to the game,” he said without any preamble. 

Priyanka laughed, couldn’t help it. Roman’s abrupt nature was the only form of real entertainment she had in this shithole. 

“Yeah, let’s do that,” she responded smugly, knowing she would win this round. It was a little difficult to hold Lana’s hand _and_ her cards, but she made it work. They made it work. They always did. 

They sat in peaceful silence, the kind that takes years to cultivate into something comfortable. She never felt safe here, not really. But this was about as close as she could get. 

“Hold up, when the fuck did you learn the word ‘shirk’, anyways?”

All the simple stuff. She packed that around the real torture, the things she could barely speak about. The experiments that left her body weak and her mind numb for days. She would startle awake either screaming or vomiting and couldn’t decide which was worse. Both equally humiliating.

The hours and hours of combat drills, with the guards around her barking orders for _faster, faster, faster. More, more, more._

“Mercer didn’t drag your ass all the way out here for you to fuck up all the time, Acharya,” the training director she despised spat at her. 

She’d barely made a mistake. Not even noticeable, really. Her hands curled into fists at her sides, the injustice of it burning a singular path through her mind. Fuck it, she was gonna go at him right here and right now. She couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. 

Unfortunately, at that pivotal moment before she went through with it she caught Lana’s eye over his shoulder. Lana’s lips were pursed and her eyes were blank, but the small head shake she sent Priya’s way was the only indication she got that Lana knew what was happening. She knew, and she cared. But she wouldn’t step in. 

_It’s not worth it,_ the head shake said. 

_(You’re not worth it)_

Normally, these kinds of warnings were appreciated. Something to ground her, pull her back in. Now it was just irritating. Lana never got called out like this. Not once. 

For some reason, that was the moment. Everyone has one. The moment when something shifts in a relationship, for good or bad. Where the layers that people spend eternity covering up in are peeled back and suddenly they look small and quiet. Like their body hasn’t stretched yet to accommodate the version of them you see. And it doesn’t ever go back to the way it was before because now your eyes are opened and your mind is clear for the first time in a lifetime. 

Priyanka loved Lana. More than anything. 

But Lana would never be the one to protect her. 

The thought stung, and then sank into her mind like honey, slow and suffocating. Lana wasn’t bold like her, never could be. She wasn’t a savior and at the end of the day she wouldn’t go out on the limb. She wouldn’t take the risk if she thought it weighed less than the reward. And how could she blame her for that? How could she act like Lana had disappointed her when she’d never tried to be anything else. 

Lana went back to her own training, satisfied when Priyanka turned away from the man under the guise of getting water. 

She loved Lana. She knew that no matter what, that would never, ever change. It was just...too much, on days like today. Seeing Lana for who she really was, no embellishments or tricks or masks. It felt like a privilege and a penalty. Priya wouldn’t give it up for anything, even as it strangled her. 

Something about that made her see herself, too. 

Priyanka pushed it down, as ever, as always, and went on with her work. 

When Roman and Priyanka deserted Mercer, and she had to leave Lana behind, the world screamed but she couldn’t bring herself to. She wouldn’t cry, because she was going to get Lana back. But the rain would pour. It would soak through her clothes and her hair and her skin. Down to the bone marrow. 

Roman was quieter. He had never been the talkative one of the bunch. But it didn’t matter. The silence was noticed all the same. 

And Priya, well, she did the opposite. Throwing herself into everything and anything she could find. Talking louder, moving quicker, chasing...something. Something she couldn’t find because only Lana had it. It was only Lana. 

“I’ll find you,” she would whisper at night when Roman pretended to be asleep. She knew if Lana could hear her she wouldn’t understand that. Priyanka had left, she had thrown away everything she’d ever known, she made the choice. Wasn’t she the one that was lost?

Maybe they both were. 

Or maybe neither of them. 

She didn’t know which one hurt more.

And now she was here. With Suzume and Roman and a whole new...well, she didn’t know what to call them. Family was too fragile a word in her experience. And she wasn’t good at holding things that were easily broken. But they were something. Something she didn’t want to lose. 

“So yeah, that’s kinda, my tragic backstory I guess,” Priyanka shrugged, folding her hands and then unfolding them again. 

Ruby gazed at her solemnly. Priya thought Ruby had the saddest eyes she’d ever seen. A myriad of emotions flew through them at all times, but she rarely found apathy. She felt, in some small way, her and Ruby had this in common. They cared so much. She could admit to herself now that maybe it was too much. 

They were in Pennsylvania, stopped for the night. Everyone else (Roman, Zu, Liam, Vida, Chubs and Cole) had set up camp outside while Ruby stayed in the car with her. She didn’t know how Ruby could tell, that she needed to talk to someone. But Ruby always knew, and Priya was sure it had nothing to do with her powers. 

“I don’t really know why I’m saying all this, to be honest. It’s not like you’re a therapist or that I need one,” Priya continued, mostly to fill the silence. Ruby was abnormally quiet when she was really thinking something through, which was always. 

“But...Zu said that talking to you,” Priya couldn’t find the words, her hand making small circle motions. “It helps,” she finally settled on, and winced at how flat it fell. 

Zu had been right, though she probably wouldn’t tell her that. Zu was right so much of the time Priya made it a competition who could be more right, which Roman said was subjective and immeasurable, until she called him subjective and immeasurable just to confuse him. Unfortunately for Roman, Liam had chosen that time to wander over to them and join in the conversation. Liam managed to make Roman more confused than before, resulting in Roman getting a migraine. Priya started counting every time Roman got a migraine in Liam’s presence. It was somewhere in the hundreds now. 

“Well, I can’t say how much I’ve helped Zu but...I think it’s good for anyone to talk about the things they wouldn’t normally say. The memories they don’t wanna bring up because it would make people uncomfortable or make them feel pity for you,” Ruby finally expressed. 

Priya nodded, wondering if she should leave now. Weirdly, she did feel...lighter, after all that. Sure, there were things she hadn’t mentioned, or things she had glossed over. Things she would never let see the light of day. But this, talking to Ruby, was different. She had a way of making the smallest things feel important. Of making what felt worthless into something totally new, totally seen. It was a strange feeling. Knowing she hadn’t given everything she possibly could, but it was still enough. No one had ever told her that friendship could feel like this. Like a two way street. But she was beginning to learn the path. 

“Priya, I—” Ruby started and stopped. She looked like she had the words, right there in the front of her mind, but she was nervous to say them. 

“I know what it’s like,” she began again, “to lose someone. Or, more accurately I guess, to leave them behind. I think you and I know that feeling better than most.” 

Ruby looked her dead in the eye. She had another habit, staring at people like that. It wasn’t uncomfortable, though. It felt necessary, with someone like her. 

“And I think, if you’ve talked to Zu about this, I know what she’s told you. She’s told you that you need to let it go.”

 _You need to let Lana go_ , were the unspoken words. 

Priyanka startled a little. Okay, straight to the point then. 

Ruby saw her discomfort, as she saw everything. 

“I mean, she probably didn’t say it in that way, although who knows with her, but the point I’m trying to make is I think that’s wrong.”

Priya felt her face change, going slack in surprise. Wasn’t she supposed to be doing that? Moving on? She didn’t want to. But she wanted to be better than she was yesterday. And if being better meant letting go of the past, and all who lived in it, than she had to. She had to…

“Well, not wrong, exactly. I just...don’t agree,” Ruby continued. 

“When I was younger I thought that leaving people was just my nature, the way it was supposed to be. I never held on to anything cause I was so damn scared that it would let go of me first, or that I would ruin it just when things got good.”

Ruby reached over to gently hold Priya’s hand. Her hands felt like safety and warmth, and for some reason Priya wanted to cry. It was such an old ache, a phantom pain. The loss of her mother. Ruby wasn’t that much older than her, more a sister than anything, but as she began to rub her thumb in soothing circles over Priya’s hand she had to blink back tears. The ache grew larger still. 

“I don’t think it’s like that with you. I think you hold on too tightly. And it...it hurts, right?”

Priyanka shrugged simply, the corners of her mouth turning up, just barely. There was no point in answering. 

“So, probably the obvious solution is to try to move on. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but...” Ruby looked up, through the open sunroof, blinking at the stars. 

“When you love someone like that, when it really means something, you could try your whole life and never get over them.” 

Priyanka tasted salt on her lips and realized it was tears at the same time she realized how Ruby knew all this. She’d seen countless memories, every kind of life you could imagine. Every mistake or regret or failure anyone ever had, they were hers to keep. Once you gave them you didn’t get them back. But Ruby was always so gentle. She kept them safe. 

Ruby looked back at her, squeezing her hand, just a little. 

“All I’m saying is, you’re never going to forget her. So why try? Remember the good stuff, you know.”

Priya brought up a hand to quickly brush away any more unshed tears, letting a breathy chuckle escape her. 

“Easier said than done.”

Ruby laughed, too. Her laugh was light and clear, a direct contrast to Priya’s low rasp. 

“Yeah, that’s true, but still,” this time it was Ruby who shrugged. “You asked for _my_ advice.” 

“Yeah, I guess I did, didn’t I…and thank you,” Priya said sincerely. She needed Ruby to know she meant it. But of course, she already knew. 

“Anytime,” Ruby gave back with a crooked smile. She released Priya’s hand, softly, giving her time to take it back if she wanted. But Priyanka let her step out of the car. She let her walk away, because for the first time in a long time she trusted that she wouldn’t go far. None of them would. 

Priya leaned back in the seat, staring at the same stars Ruby had searched minutes before. She took in a deep breath, the kind that makes your lungs feel like they’ve never been used properly before. The kind that feels like you’ve never even breathed at all until that moment. 

The car was still, even the air didn’t seem to move, but outside she could hear the distinct sounds of people laughing. Tearing her eyes away from the sky, Priya turned and looked out at them. At the picture they painted for her. 

The makeshift fire in the middle of the circle was coming along, even though Liam kept trying to rearrange the kindling and would then burn himself, jump back with a sharp ‘ow!’, and then try again. 

Cole and Vida were in some heated debate over god knows what, that Roman seemed to be mediating. Cole and Vida argued almost non stop, to the detriment of everyone around them. But in a fight together they were probably the deadliest combination their group had. They thought in similar ways, although neither would ever admit it. 

Chubs was off reading in what Priya called his ‘corner of the circle’, mostly because he would try to correct her everytime that circles didn't have corners and ‘how did she not know that?’ and Priyanka would do her best to not laugh aloud. 

Ruby and Zu were in quiet conversation, occasionally laughing at each other or Liam, until Ruby finally took pity on him and pulled him away from the perfectly good looking fire. 

And as much as she missed Lana, as much as she prayed she could see her again one day, get her to _stay with her_ , she couldn’t have given up this. In all the cliche ways she’d never seen but had heard about in movies, these people were her home. 

And maybe Ruby was right. She couldn’t keep trying to make everything just magically go away. Ruby would know better than anyone whether or not she would be able to. Not just how she felt about Lana, but every little moment that had shaped her life and her heart. It had led her here, to new horizons every morning and familiar conversations every night. 

She didn’t want to shove things away anymore. She didn’t want to have to prove herself every chance she got. Who she was, unashamedly, was starting to be enough. She was getting better. It just hadn’t happened the way she thought it would. 

In her mind, with open palms and closed eyes, Priya left one last second, one last thought with Lana for tonight. Cause Lana would always have part of her thoughts. These small things in her life that were firm and steady and would never crumble. Things like Roman’s shitty jokes, how Zu always liked to drive, Liam’s knowledge of rock and roll lyrics, Vida’s accuracy with a gun and insults alike, Chubs’ glasses that always slipped too far down his nose, Cole’s signature wink and habit of giving absurd nicknames, Ruby’s intense focus and kind eyes. All unchangeable. Permanent. 

As Liam said, ‘inevitable.’ 

Priyanka opened her eyes and the door at the same time. 

She stepped into the warmth of the campfire, until the chill in her heart melted, and the safety she’d always craved enveloped her so completely she wondered how she’d ever felt anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it this far congrats you're probably the only one. even so, comments and kudos are really, and i mean really, appreciated. 
> 
> i love these characters so much, and Alexandra Bracken's writing is so beautiful and inspiring that it was really only a matter of time until i wrote something about the amazing series she created. (darkest legacy sequel when?)
> 
> quick promo for her new (unrelated) book called Lore coming out in january, i should get paid for this advertisement lol
> 
> thanks for reading !


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